Cranky mood

Ugh, i hate this mood i'm in. i mean it's not all too bad. i'd say about an 8 out of 10, so it can be a lot worse, but i've been so blank, like feeling nothing: not wanting anything, not loving anything, not wanting, just super depressed and not even into it and i think i know why. it's this whole thing with religion. i think i might become non-christian, just a believer. i don't believe in a loving God who demands perfection so there. sure i believe He is there, and God He is there with him, the heaven exists and hell but i give up. i'm not gonna give up the things i like (make-up, being outrageous (oversexual like britney spears), but at the same time i am giving those things up because i know i can't have them and i'm like not here nor there. i don't know cuz knowing God doesn't like me the way i am saddens me and even rebelling against him doesn't help- i can't like the things he doesn't like. i think that's the whole problem but nope not gonna give in, all my life that's what my dad did, he took away everything that brought me joy, everything i loved and put my heart into and now God is doing the same thing to me? not gonna happen. in fact, i've been avoiding religion. i stopped reading the Bible in fear that it's going to force me into changing into someone i'm not and i just don't force anything unto myself anymore and u know what, it feels natural and more honest than forcing myself into something i don't even mean when i do it (like giving up my love for fashion or make-up.) I guess the reason I am sad is because i know God isn't accepting of me and is trying to change me and that's what makes me not want anything anymore cuz i'm so depressed but i'm trying u know, i'm gonna fight this life, i'll be ok, i'll make this work out. i won't let this get me down, i'll find a way and if i don't, i'll fight for it.